Learned this one not from Spiegel's book but from Noelle. Treat someone like a mushroom, keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit. This was month ago she told me this. Thing is that already know that one because have same expression on Andor, just treat me like the fungus my family grows, keep me further below ground and pile zabathu dung on me. That should work, Hravitherav does not actually need to know anything.
Not heard one word from Shlev. Not in two weeks. Reminded yet again am very selfish thaan and that if I wanted to know his whereabouts that should not have left bond. Reminded Zhavey that had no choice in this. And after all bond would not have dissolved without her final say. No desire to go back to bond if could, if Thil hadn't remarried, if Sharev and Zhesha were still alive. For totally selfish reasons. Not as if had any say over our offspring's lives when was in bond. Told well after fact of every lost pregnancy then not even told when Shlev born and then told had no right to know as made choice to be away on my ship during the war and then told well after fact about last pregnancy being lost. And for all of that the two of them were making tezha behind my back and Thil's anyway. So why does it matter? If had returned to Andor and left bottle of my sperm and left again, would have made as much difference.
Not that this matters. Shlev, that's who matters and have not heard from him. Should have more confidence because he is with Ushilev who was my protege so at least I know who he is with, and also as I trained Ushilev I know something of him, but I should know SOMETHING of what my thei is doing when I am away. More and more, says nothing, and Zhavey, she says nothing too.
At least if something were really wrong there is no way Thil would not tell me... if she knew. And if she doesn't I can expect she would find her way onto the ship somehow to throttle me. Any other time that is. Even she is unreachable, she is in seclusion with new bond.
Have meeting in morning. Will be off ship for few days. Hoped to speak with Shlev before then but it is no use. Haven't slept well.
And Noelle working doubles.
Am very selfish thaan sometimes. If ever forget, have all the faith that someone will remind me.
Andorian saying, "when others ask, I give".
Selfish for wanting part in my thei's life, selfish for wanting Noelle to myself, selfish for wanting to be on the ship, selfish for thinking can have all of this. But when I think of these things it's easier to forget that I feel selfish for being alive, sometimes.
- Mood:pissed off
Noelle, quiet. Has not said much. Has stayed in my quarters as if belongs here. Have cared for her cat.
Was stronger today. Has talked a little more, walked around a little, eaten a little more. Color returning. First time she has said much of last mission. Sat on bed next to her, where she has told me she did not speak to her brother in years.
"Did you ever have to choose, Therav. If some member of your family had joined a terrorist organization, what would you choose?"
"By the customs of my people... I would have to choose my blood," I told her. "I don't know if I would. Or could. We don't know these things until it's tested."
"Do you think I did the right thing?"
Was quiet. She was quiet.
She added: "Therav, if I'd kept writing to him... I would've had to have turned him in. I told him he was dead to me... so that I wouldn't have to make that choice. It would happen, but... I couldn't be the one to do it."
Did not have words. Tongue felt thick in mouth. Wrapped my arms around waist and brought her closer.
"I hope you don't have to make that choice," she said, softly. "Choose between your family and anything else."
"Hnh. Made that choice, once. They wanted me to come home while our world was threatened by the Dominion."
Expected she was weeping, but she wasn't. She edged herself up and looked down into my eyes and brought her hand against my cheek, gently. She then curled on her side. Nestled her face into my neck. I held back of her head with one hand. Closed my eyes. Willed away things that were sad.
Aggravating. Kept in the dark by people from whom take orders, then find out that one of team mates nearly died then I find out of all people that it was Noelle. This after argument we had in which she stomped off insisting I had no right to keep her from her duty. Since when are these the missions we are on. Am not even privy to what happened. Then questioned incessantly by Sharad and don't know answers to his questions.
Had other things to concern self with when off of shift finally. Returned to quarters to message from Shlev. Excitedly detailed the snowmelt in the valley just south of the Keep, and cave spiders.
And now finally Noelle is asleep, in my bed, here, safe.
Sleep, little warrior. Just sleep.
Some things are more important than other things.
Off duty until next duty shift tomorrow or hear from contact, whichever comes first.
Tried to get a second shift but despite Lt Kchessinskaya and Lt Rogers being away, was not granted one.
Nothing to do but pace floor.
Noelle on that transport. On a no contact mission. I feel ill. Have no right to be concerned. She is an officer doing her duty.
Does not belong to me. Does not belong to anyone but herself. To Starfleet, too. Even then, only so much.
Family was right, am an extremely selfish thaan.
And she was right. I did not say it, but did not need to. Really did not want her to go.
Am watching her cat.
Her friend Specialist Milosevic was to watch her cat (would have been me if Noelle hadn't been upset with me this morning) and not eight hours after cat dropped off at her quarters, Milosevic appears at my door with same cat.
Elvis has done nothing but cry. Cannot get him to be quiet.
Suppose I will have a cat if something happens to Noelle.
And something always happens. Do not know how people can be so cavalier. It always happens.
Teams alpha and beta away for almost 12 hours. Should be meeting with their contact... soon.
All news comes to me via Cdr ch'Vresh and he has not updated, but no news is good news.
Last saw teams as they regrouped here, collected data from me and ch'Vresh and left Takeda Shingen.
Lt Kchessinskaya out from underfoot. Am pleased with this.
Diziara does not know this yet. Have confidence in her.
But she was not the pilot.
...if team was waylaid by Orions, would not know yet.
Spiegel's book defined "tits" as a synonym for the mammary glands of two-sexed species. Know this one, have heard it enough among my ranks. Not use Diziara intended.
It also gave a secondary meaning:
Synonym for "cool". A word typically used by people from Las Vegas, NV.
"That party tonight is gonna be tits!"
Is this what Diziara meant when she stated that things would be "all tits"?
Sometimes would rather be any other officer doing any other job. Things people think I know. That do not know. All know is numbers in, numbers out, changes in those numbers on occasion. Have been none. It is same day in, day out. Captain not always pleased with my work. Says to tighten scope sometimes but cannot be tightened any more than is. Has left me alone on matter for while. Thank Uzaveh for small favors.
Truth is. Things people think I know. Things that they think fascinate me. Do not at all interest me. Do not care to know. Not in reality. Do not care what time Ensign Fairbanks had boyfriend in, what time he left. Do not care what time Lieutenant Sadik relieved bowels and volume nor for that matter how Sickbay says that movement rates on Bristol Stool Scale.
Do not care that the two noncom specialists in Engineering download prodigious amounts of alien pornography. Only care that connecting to illegal channels via weak point in ship's comm security comprises unacceptable threat. That the alien pornography could have encrypted signals. Even same. Not for me to decrypt. Could not even if wanted to.
When I care what people do with the minutia of their boring lives is when these same people make my day more complicated when it needs to be.
When something breaks. When called from off duty to look at something when would much rather be writing to Shlev. Would rather be making love to Noelle. Would rather be sorting through thavan's things and finding out who he was. As disturbing as it is to know. Even arguing with Diziara, who successfully have managed to avoid so far.
Threats still loom large. Can't pretend do not see them around every corner. Can't pretend to not see them when I close my eyes.
But do I care about the personal habits of Crewmen Wendt and Ennis, Lieutenant Sadik and Ensign Fairbanks, or for that matter... anyone else? Do I REALLY care that Lieutenant Diziara has to my knowledge made tezha with every unattached male in my department?
I really do NOT care as much as people seem to think.
Numbers in, numbers out, and threats. That is what care for.
Maybe those numbers in, numbers out, some clue. Like enigma code. Some clue will be there. For I care for not having nightmares. For not having things to explain to Noelle that have no way to explain. That do not know how to explain.
Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.
Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.
My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.
My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.
Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.
Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
but never your laughter
for I would die.
Have storage locker at Starbase Seven which holds nothing but things Thavan asked I take with me. Instructions were left when he died that these items were to remain in my possession. Left half with the clan, but the other half, with me. Among those he left with me, were his journals. Journals in which I learned was not my thavan by blood. Still know nothing of who that thaan was. Will not ask anyone, is pointless. Will not learn. The records were changed. Is way of things. Names are struck, new names added. By laws of Andor, Thalev th'Vorothishria was my thavan.
Do not ever know what will do with these things. Have two boxes of them with me on ship and in four to five months since his funeral, have not begun to know what will do with all of them.
In looking through my thavan's possessions, have found small leather book in which he wrote sayings that he came across in his travels.
Many were by Winston Churchill:
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Battles are won by slaughter and maneuver. The greater the general, the more he contributes in maneuver, the less he demands in slaughter.
However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.
And this is interesting. Did not know that he looked up to Churchill, nor had interest in that part of human history. Not at all in my entire life.
There were more. From curious assortment of sources:
We must always remember with gratitude and admiration the first sailors who steered their vessels through storms and mists, and increased our knowledge of the lands of ice in the South.
When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself.
Jacques Yves Cousteau
Challenge your preconceptions, or they will challenge you.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
Doubt is the beginning, not the end of Wisdom