Learned this one not from Spiegel's book but from Noelle. Treat someone like a mushroom, keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit. This was month ago she told me this. Thing is that already know that one because have same expression on Andor, just treat me like the fungus my family grows, keep me further below ground and pile zabathu dung on me. That should work, Hravitherav does not actually need to know anything.
Not heard one word from Shlev. Not in two weeks. Reminded yet again am very selfish thaan and that if I wanted to know his whereabouts that should not have left bond. Reminded Zhavey that had no choice in this. And after all bond would not have dissolved without her final say. No desire to go back to bond if could, if Thil hadn't remarried, if Sharev and Zhesha were still alive. For totally selfish reasons. Not as if had any say over our offspring's lives when was in bond. Told well after fact of every lost pregnancy then not even told when Shlev born and then told had no right to know as made choice to be away on my ship during the war and then told well after fact about last pregnancy being lost. And for all of that the two of them were making tezha behind my back and Thil's anyway. So why does it matter? If had returned to Andor and left bottle of my sperm and left again, would have made as much difference.
Not that this matters. Shlev, that's who matters and have not heard from him. Should have more confidence because he is with Ushilev who was my protege so at least I know who he is with, and also as I trained Ushilev I know something of him, but I should know SOMETHING of what my thei is doing when I am away. More and more, says nothing, and Zhavey, she says nothing too.
At least if something were really wrong there is no way Thil would not tell me... if she knew. And if she doesn't I can expect she would find her way onto the ship somehow to throttle me. Any other time that is. Even she is unreachable, she is in seclusion with new bond.
Have meeting in morning. Will be off ship for few days. Hoped to speak with Shlev before then but it is no use. Haven't slept well.
And Noelle working doubles.
Am very selfish thaan sometimes. If ever forget, have all the faith that someone will remind me.
Andorian saying, "when others ask, I give".
Selfish for wanting part in my thei's life, selfish for wanting Noelle to myself, selfish for wanting to be on the ship, selfish for thinking can have all of this. But when I think of these things it's easier to forget that I feel selfish for being alive, sometimes.
- Mood:pissed off